The Secret Broker: Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a basic maths education

Yes you financially have been a very naughty boy and I note that you have been recently sacked via a users poll.

I can’t possibly think what could go wrong, when you sack 5,000 staff out of 7,500 and get booed off stage, and you try to appear to the masses that you are just a normal dude.

I seriously think that you need to take a break from your corporate gigs and prepare yourself for Christmas.

I can’t think of a better time to relax with some eggnog, under your tiny Christmas tree, in your tiny house surrounded by your children Griffin, Vivian, Kai, Saxon, Damian, X AE A-XII, Exa Dark Sideræl and the twins.

Questions like ‘Daddy, now that you have sold U$40bn worth of shares, can I get a pocket money raise?’ and ‘Daddy, if you had let us all vote on Twitter, you may not have been sacked’ could all easily be deflected back with ‘let me ask your mother or mothers and we shall vote on that, as long as they have got an official blue tick’.

With your nine kids, three ex-wives and yourself at U$8 a month, there is a quick monthly revenue blue tick raise of U$104 a month and this could go towards the U$1bn in interest required for next year.

We have a golden rule, that if your private life is chaotic, then your corporate life will be too, so we will politely pass on any fundraising thank you very muchly.

On a brighter note though, I estimate that you or your children will never have to pay tax ever again, as when you have to write off U$40bn in your investment ledger, you can carry it forward forever.

And that even includes living in a tiny house on Mars.

Happy Christmas
Per Pro
Santa

I firstly had to ask the editing department if they had actually changed your name to protect your identity. They assured me that they had but I don’t know. Looks correct to me.

Fancy telling everyone that things were fine, when all you had to do was pick up the phone to the North Pole and simply say ‘Hey Santa, how are prices going this year?’

You would have been told that carrot prices were up 40% and as that is a reindeer’s main diet, HR are worried that households will cut back on their thank you Christmas chimney gift and leave them malnourished.

Let alone the damage done to Santa Inc’s bottom line.

You could have even taken a tiny tiny bit of your $20,000 a week pay packet and nipped down to Woolies at Double Bay and bought a bag of carrots, once a week, to see inflation in action.

You now have carrot juice on your hands, my friend.

The only way out for you is to see if you can hang in long enough to be able to reverse the interest rate, though I’m not sure you will.

On a brighter note though, a little dickie bird tells me that you have made your pension payout inflation-linked.

At least you saw that bit coming, even without the aid of any carrot juice.

Happy Christmas.

Enjoy it while you can!

Per Pro
Santa