After 35 years of stockbroking for some of the biggest houses and investors in Australia and the UK, the Secret Broker is regaling Stockhead readers with his colourful war stories — from the trading floor to the dealer’s desk.

To The Editor of Stockhead.
By email

Dear Sir,

We are writing to you as the gatekeeper to The Secret Broker, as we are interested in employing his services and thought you may be able to reach out to him, on our behalf.

We run a retirement village whose sole purpose is to look after the stockbroking community in the latter years of their lives, many of whom have fallen on hard times after hanging around for one more boom.

Every year we have a guest speaker address our retirees with a keynote speech and this year we have decided to shake things up a little.

For our next gala evening, the committee has decided that the previous boring bowtied analyst speakers should be bypassed and a ‘Ricky Gervais Golden Globes’ format be adopted, hence this letter.

On Friday nights at 7pm, matron reads out The Secret Broker’s article to everyone after dinner is served. For most of the old brokers, this is the highlight of their week.

Old Toby Jones (Wedd Durlacher 1968-1989) always gets excited, as old memories come flooding back to him and it is the only time we ever see him react to anything.

He usually stands up and offers the room a two-way price on his cup of bedtime cocoa before matron shuffles him off to bed.

On the other hand, Dougie Shine (Sheppards and Chase 1976-1990) always gets irate, as he thinks he knows who you are and blames you for his stammer.

He can never get the full sentence out but the gist seems to be that he shorted you 100,000 Consolidated Gold Fields three minutes before Hanson PLC bid for them and before that moment, ‘his speech, his speech, his speech, was normal’.

In fact, out of the 100 old brokers that we look after, at least half of them have a story about you or believe that they know who you are.

Hugh Tennant (Chase, Henderson & Tennant 1962-1967) says he remembers a discrete broker partying on his brother’s Island of Mustique and that Princess Margaret was always impressed that this broker remembered to bring her bottles of Grouse whiskey and packets of Benson & Hedges cigarettes, on every visit.

He got very upset when The Crown’s fourth season had no reference to this ‘discrete broker’ and believes that a young Daniel Craig would have been ideal for the role, in both looks and mannerism.

He would continuously shout at the TV “FRAUD” every time we played The Crown in the sitting room before his liquid cosh kicked in.

What could have been. Picture: The Crown, Netflix

So far I have posted over 10 letters to the ‘Head of Content’ at Netflix, pointing out this portrayal of ‘preposterous inaccuracies’.

And finally, if The Secret Broker does accept our ‘Terms of Payment’ which are attached to this letter, we are not sure if it would be wise for him to bring Mrs Broker along to the event because of the jealousy that some of our patrons may feel.

Dorothy Jones (Tea Lady – Cazenove 1971-1987) has informed the committee that if the rumours are true about The Secret Broker and he does bring along Mrs Broker, that she will throw herself and her trolley off of the spire of St Michael’s church.

She says she remembers serving tea to a broker that fitted your description and how your ‘aura’ would attract her to push her trolley past everyone else and serve you first. Because of this, you should be hers and hers alone.

You may recall how Dorothy was dismissed from Cazenove, after bending over to retrieve a Garibaldi biscuit for one of the partners, when he pinched her bottom.

This act caused her to lurch forward and headbutt the trolley and spill a pot of scalding tea onto the lap of another partner, James Campbell Grey, who still walks like John Wayne to this very day and shakes when he hears the wheels of a trolley coming round a corner.

I hope this letter will appeal to The Secret Broker and that now COVID restrictions are easing, he will come over in May and ‘Ricky Gervais’ up our event.

Yours,
Sir Hugh Merriman OBE (Senior Partner Akroyd & Smithers 1966-1987)

***

Dear Sir Hugh,

I have passed on your letter as requested and received this faxed reply this morning. Believe it or not, this is one of the longest replies I have ever seen from TSB, so I am impressed.

Hi, yeah, will do.

The Royal Suite at The Ritz tell ‘em.

Payment in Bitcoin.

Mrs Broker will be coming as my chaperone/handbrake apparently.

1 on 1 only hour with Dorothy. I will bring the garibaldi’s. (Ed: Grammar confirms this is indeed TSB.)

Partied a lot in the 80’s, don’t fully recall everything though do have a gold leafed ‘Royal Princess’ notch on a bed post in the Caribbean somewhere.

Only wanted 10,000 Consolidated Goldfields and he said ‘is that all you want you wimp’ I added a nought to my order. That’s why he stutters.

Toby Jones had a red nose and yellowing skin when I was around in the City, so can’t be him as his liver must have given out by now.

Ricky Gervais is a very mild wimp when compared to my after dinner tongue lashings.

Gotta go. Out of Tanqueray and tonic.

See you at MONA on the 17th.

Bye.

TSB

The Secret Broker can be found on Twitter here @SecretBrokerAU or on email at [email protected]

Feel free to contact him with your best stock tips and ideas.