For the second day in a row, Aussie markets have opened higher, which normally isn’t cause for huge smiles around the place.

However, given the recent… unpleasantness, I think is the right word here… a 0.95% stab in the right direction is just what the doctor ordered. We’ll get into the details of it shortly, but for now, there is a slightly more pressing issue.

And that is the undeniable fact that humanity needs to brace for The Great Monkey Uprising, because from what I can see (from the safety of my high-security, heavily fortified bunker), it has begun.

It’s been brewing for a while now, but a string of events in recent years is a very clear sign that our close biological relatives have been in secret training camps for years, learning the art of asymmetrical warfare from apes possessing decades of experience in *ahem* gorilla tactics.

(There will be no apology for that terrible pun. I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming, so it was best to just get that one out of the way early, and move on).

The most recent incident took place in Thailand, when an Australian YouTuber Riley Whitelum was forced to rescue his infant son from a marauding pack of angry animals at a tourist hotspot known as Monkey Beach.

 

 

Now, you might be thinking to yourself that was kind of his own fault – you name your kid “Darwin”, and take him to a beach that is famous for its aggressive monkey population, then you shouldn’t be surprised that things kicked off the way they did.

It’d be like naming your kid “Maradona was an overrated coke addict” and dropping him in the middle of Buenos Aires to fend for himself. It’s not going to end well.

Whitelum, in a not-at-all overly-dramatic-for-YouTube-views moment, had to get several injections to ward off a possible case of rabies and fainted like a giant baby.

What a hero.

On its own, this attack is an aberration – but consider the following incidents as well, and you’ll see that there’s a pattern of violence, weaponised cunning and outright monkey rage emerging.

In Japan, more than 42 people were injured in one town alone when an angry horde of Japanese macaques began to terrorise Yamaguchi City, forcing locals to resort to arming old age pensioners with tranquiliser guns to patrol the streets like wrinkly little ninjas.

Macaques are, by the way, a horrible variety of the monkey family – they have very sharp teeth, impossibly short tempers and earned the name ‘macaque’ for their wonton displays of scatalogically unpleasant behaviour: “If you make me angry, I’ll throw ‘my kack’ at you”. And they’re rife with STDs.

India is also dealing with its own monkey issues – this week in Jaipur, onlookers were “stunned” when one of the local simians decided to “adopt” a puppy.

 

 

By “stunned”, I mean most of them were having a good laugh, and by “adopt”, I mean “abduct to be interfered with, murdered and eaten” – and not necessarily in that order.

It follows on from a shocking string of dog murders in Lavool, a small village in the Indian state of Maharashtra.

There, locals claim, a pair of monkeys whose baby was taken and eaten by a dog went on a revenge killing rampage, systematically murdering more than 250 dogs. Some were left stranded in trees to starve, while others were thrown to their deaths by the irate monkeys.

But by far the most terrifying incident comes from Indonesia, where monkeys have embraced technology to a degree that should strike fear into the hearts of all humans.

Here is video evidence that we are on the brink of all-out warfare, which is genuinely mental: a monkey on a tiny motorcycle attempting to kidnap a toddler.

 

 

And there’s no point trying to lock these angry animals up, either, as this poor wheelchair-bound grandmother discovered to her evident dismay.

 

 

This is the future humanity has to look forward to. Prepare yourself.

(Actually, the “attacking YouTube content creators” bit isn’t so bad.)

 

TO MARKETS

In brighter news, Aussie markets opened with a lift and have sustained a +0.9% jump all the way through to lunch time, thanks to a major recovery from our Energy sector this morning which has hiked +3.77% so far today.

Financials is also in on the act, up +1.69%, and it’s only the Real Estate sector knocking the gloss off the market today with a -0.81% effort.

Of the three big resources winners yesterday, Stanmore (ASX:SMR) is the only one still cranking out gains big enough to warrant a mention, moving back over $3 billion market cap thanks to a 5.6% jump today.

 

NOT THE ASX

In the US, a handful of sentiment saving lifelines have helped markets there recover, leaving the S&P 500 index 1.30% higher, the Dow Jones up 0.98%, while the tech heavy Nasdaq rallied by 1.58%.

Regional banks shares led after US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said the US banking sector is “stabilising”, and that the US government would intervene more if there was another bank run.

First Republic shares surged 30% on Yellen’s comments, erasing yesterday’s losses, reports Earlybiurd Eddy Sunarto this morning.

Tesla shares jumped 8% after getting a boost from Moody’s, which assigned a Baa3 issuer rating to Tesla with “a Stable outlook”, which I think means it got a room upgrade from the twin-single overlooking the dumpster Tesla’s been living in for the past few weeks.

The rating company says the change “reflects Moody’s expectation that Tesla will remain one of the foremost manufacturers of battery electric vehicles with an expanding global presence and very high profitability.”

In Japan, the Nikkei has risen 1.5% on reports that one of the monkeys terrorising Yamaguchi City has been apprehended.

The male monkey, obviously a sex pest, was found lurking in the grounds of a local high school, filming questionable pornographic content where “everything sh-ts on everything else”, according to a local man who has spent hours trawling the internet looking for that one special video to get his motor running.

Meanwhile, in China, Shanghai has climbed 0.38% after Chinese leader Xi Jinping popped round for a cup of tea with Russian leader Vladimir Putin to talk about a peace plan for Ukraine, before signing a declaration reaffirming their “deepening strategic partnership for the new era”.

After that, China invited Putin for a sleepover at their place, and Vlad’s very excited about it because it means he will get a chance to show off his new pyjamas.

In Hong Kong, the Hang Seng has climbed 2.4% as fears over the global banking “situation” slowed to a simmer, ahead of the US Fed rate announcement later tonight.

In Crypto, the next few days are shaping up to be “pivotal”, says Rob “The Pivot Pointer” Badman, who has his special pivot point pointing stick pointing at a potential pivot point: the Crypto Greed and Fear Index, which is at “its highest level since mid November 2021 – around Bitcoin’s all-time high”.

Given that crypto is fuelled entirely by greed and fear, this sounds like it might be important – so best you head over to Mooners and Shakers to find out what it all means.

 

ASX SMALL CAP WINNERS

Here are the best performing ASX small cap stocks for March 22 [intraday]:

Swipe or scroll to reveal full table. Click headings to sort:

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BPH Energy (ASX:BPH) has gone racing up the winners ladder this morning, after being reinstated to trading after a three-month suspension by the ASX.

BPH was bounced after a major national news outlet published claims that the 30.7% BPH-owned PEP-11 gas project could be pumping out product by 2024, after BPH reportedly seeded the story through a small-caps focussed website.

(Not us. A different one. No, not that one… the other one.)

Anyhoo – it’s been a gigantic mess, but BPH announced reinstatement at 6.30pm last night, and so far today it’s up a very gassy 38.9%.

Manuka Resources (ASX:MKR) is up 24% after announcing that it’s ready to recommence gold production at Mt Boppy, with a build-up targeting approximately 25koz per year of gold for about three years.

The plan includes re-entry into the Mt Boppy open cut scheduled for later 2023, subject to finalisation of economic mine planning, to produce up to 45koz Au (included in current JORC resource2) beneath the base of the pit, as well as recovery of 3-4koz Au in broken ore at the base of the pit.

Pancontinental Energy (ASX:PCL) has reversed its losses from yesterday on no fresh news, climbing 16.7% to $0.011 and Fin Resources (ASX:FIN) is up 33%, for reasons known only to the gods themselves – but my bet is that it’s an investment plunge from a gang of well-resourced monkeys, aiming to finance the next step of their plans for world domination.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

 

ASX SMALL CAP LOSERS

Here are the most-worst performing ASX small cap stocks for March 20 [intraday]:

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