‘I’m a divorce lawyer – here are 5 signs your relationship is in trouble’

Whether it’s an unusual lump or bump, a not-going-anywhere cough or a suspicious rash, we’re used to going to the doctor for help if we spot a sign or symptom that things aren’t right. Well, it turns out that the same can be said about relationships.

Words by Ebony Leigh at bodyandsoul.com.au

“There are signs and symptoms that we can see in relationships that indicate maybe things aren’t right, and that’s what usually prompts someone to see a professional,’ divorce lawyer Carolyn Devries tells Body+Soul.

“If caught early, it could actually be seeing a professional like a relationship counsellor or therapist [that gets] the relationship back on track. But if things progress too far and they’re not addressed early on, then that’s when really people start presenting to see professionals like me as a divorce lawyer.”

So what are the common signs you need to look out for before you end up knee-deep in paperwork or in the family court?

#1. A drop-off in communication

“Like taking your temperature if you’re not feeling well, there’s a gauge in a relationship that shows whether it’s healthy and that’s usually communication,” Devries explains. “If the communication is showing signs of being strained or more difficult, then that’s showing that something’s not quite right.

“Good communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and people need to be able to express their thoughts and feelings and needs openly. And if they can’t, then it can often lead to resentment and tension…and actually impact the future of the relationship.”

#2. Unequal division of parental and household duties

“Everyone knows that life is super busy, particularly for people who have children, and there’s always something that needs to be done,” says Devries, who is the founder of Australia’s first not-for-profit law firm, New Way Lawyers.

“When there’s a sharing evenly of those parental and household duties, there’s a sense of unity and common purpose. But when one person in the relationship feels as though they’re shouldering a greater sense of their responsibilities or load, it can lead to bitterness in the relationship or feeling undervalued.

“That then has flow-on effects back to communication and physical intimacy,” she adds.

#3. A lack of shared interests

“Particularly in long relationships, growth and personal evolution is something that naturally happens,” Devries says. “People change. But having grounded common interests is really important. That’s what can bring a couple back together.”

She adds that without those common interests and shared activities, as a couple gets older, and their children grow up, they can enter a vulnerable stage for the relationship. “Once the children – who are often the main common interest – leave home, parents can really become like glorified roommates, rather than in a relationship.”

#4. Issues about money

“The current high cost of living means that money is the topic of regular discussion for couples, and particularly when couples have different worldviews or values about money it can actually be a significant source of strain,” the divorce lawyer explains.

The Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census showed money is the number one thing couples argue about, and can cause serious strain in a relationship.

“There can be differences about what expenses are the highest priority and how to prioritize saving and investment. So making sure people have the tools to talk effectively and productively about money is really important,” says Devries. “Otherwise it’s probably one of the biggest reasons we see people getting to the point where the relationship doesn’t have a future.”

#5. Loss of trust

“This is probably the most challenging and saddest reason that we see people present to our office for help, where trust in the relationship has been broken and it can’t be rebuilt,” says Devries. “Commonly this comes in the form of infidelity, but it can also come in the form of an emotional affair where people haven’t actually been unfaithful in a physical sense, but they have created a new emotional connection.”

Alternatively, they might have breached an agreed-upon boundary in the relationship, which can’t be undone.

Can you work through it?

While these signs point to dire straits, couples can absolutely come back from the brink, says the lawyer.

“We’ve had couples come to seek help from us and even though they were at that point, seeing a divorce lawyer, we’ve actually seen reconciliations,” she says.

“One of the little-known roles or obligations of a family lawyer, is when they first meet with a client, under the family law, there’s an obligation to canvass and discuss with a client possibilities for the relationship being put back on track.

“That’s one of the first discussions that we have with clients: ‘Hey, is this too far gone or would you like to try to seek some help?’. Sometimes they have already. Sometimes they haven’t and we’re able to connect them to those professionals,” she says.

“So I think, there is always hope, but getting that support earlier rather than later is probably the critical factor to a relationship being able to be put back on track.”

Better keep an eye out for those signs then.

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