After 35 years of stockbroking for some of the biggest houses and investors in Australia and the UK, the Secret Broker is regaling Stockhead readers with his colourful war stories — from the trading floor to the dealer’s desk.

Well, it’s that time of year again, when Santa forwards on some of his curlier stock-related requests to TSB, so he can answer them on his behalf.

Santa is either too busy, can’t be bothered or half-cut, to get around to them, as they are normally generated by people, so he says, ‘who should know better’. (There is a reason why dominantly he wears red, comrades).

Dear Santa,

I wish to point out that I have the biggest DONGA out of all of my peers and I want to keep it this way.

It is the envy of all of those worn out and dirty-faced miners who like to point and stare. Some even like to giggle at it.

It is therefore my Christmas wish that you cancel all other wishes that relate to DONGAs, especially from those who are, unlike me, financially embarrassed billionaires.


Ms Tina Rhinestone,
Ray Slope
PS. You can sit down now.

Dear Ms Rhinestone.

Thank you for your letter and your kind donation to the Elves’ Christmas party fund and the 13-page letter of instructions from your solicitors, stipulating said use of funds.

Having DONGA envy is normally a male thing, but in this day and age of gender equality, it would appear that gender lines are starting to blur.

As you rightly surmise, Santa has been approached by a few (wishes) requests, that do indeed ask for DONGA extensions, and your DONGA and its size are mentioned more than a few times.

As you know, I sit on the Financially United Committee of Knowledge and Office of Finance Fund, so I’m in a uniquely privileged position to advise you here.

We have looked at your demand wish and recently noted that other mine sites are now creeping up on you, with larger DONGAs approaching the size of yours… and they are being built for everyone to enjoy.

Even ones for couples are being constructed, to attract more female workers, that include their own washing machine and a queen-sized bed.

‘Love shacks’ as they are referred to on a Saturday night at the dry bar, are becoming very popular and now rumours of a dumpy truck drive-through McDonalds have really stirred up some excitement.

As you know, it’s not all Wagyu beef with shavings of truffles that can attract the talent.

So, unfortunately your wish has been denied for yet another year and we look forward to next year’s wish. May we be so bold as to suggest that another ‘0’ added to the next donation cheque may help you next year.

Per Pro
Biggest DONGA in the World
North Pole
(even in the cold)


Dear Santa,

Have you been using AI this year?

My worry is that I could lose my job and be thrown out into the street, like a dog.

My Christmas wish this year is to hope that someone can find the AI plug and just tug it out, before it’s too late for me and the entire human race.

William Doors
Silicon Valley

Dear William,

We have indeed been using AI and so far, we have been able to cut 40% of the Elves from our Toy Shop payroll.

Departments where the biggest cuts in employment have been made are logistics and production lines.

Our use of AI has helped with the navigation of presents, so they are delivered in a more efficient way, though having said that, we recently had an emergency.

Our AI supercomputer simply froze up when an Elf was working on the Sydney routes and as soon as they typed in ‘Rozelle to Parramatta’, it just stopped working.

Apparently, no supercomputer or human being will ever be able to work out how the 16.5km of new tunnels under Sydney are meant to be used.

Well, ‘not in our lifetime’, so we have been told by Tony from the Nation Building Authority. He blames Rhonda and she blames Jim for this utopian outcome.

Fortunately, someone did find the plug and it was indeed tugged out and then put back in and now we are back to normal, though it now has a yellow Post It note that just says ‘please don’t type in Sydney, AIrnie don’t like it’.

Tony told us there could be an opening for you in their IT team, if you are made redundant and can work out a route to get to his office, toll free.

So, your wish has been granted.

Well sort of.

Per Pro
Biggest DONGA in the World
North Pole
(even in the cold)

PS. All redundant Elves have been employed by Snow White Mines Ltd, Siberia, comrades.


The Secret Broker can be found on Twitter here @SecretBrokerAU or on email at [email protected].

Feel free to contact him with your best stock tips and ideas.