There’s no easy way to tell you this, so we’re just going to blurt it out: US hotdog manufacturer Oscar Mayer has released a hot dog flavoured ice cream.

If ever there was a clear sign that we are living in the worst timeline imaginable, this is it.

There is a LOT to unpack here, but time is money and we can barely afford coffee this morning, so we’d like you to consider this:

Someone, somewhere, actually had this idea. Let that sink in for a minute, because that alone is worth pondering.

What kind of maniac woke up one morning and said “You know what the world needs? It needs an ice cream that tastes like a hot dog!”

It’s either a stroke of genius, or just a stroke – but whatever has happened to that person’s brain needs to be investigated, because it’s just. not. right.

Of course, the company is marketing it as a Cold Dog, because apparently the burst of creativity behind this abomination started and ended in the idea phase.

Oscar Mayer is marketing it as the “first-ever frozen weiner pop”, seemingly blissfully ignorant that the reason it’s the “first-ever” is because it’s a profoundly gross idea.

And it’s also worth noting that while it was being developed, this frozen culinary affront to nature would have travelled through multiple major corporate channels in its journey through the Kraft Heinz food conglomerate – so it’s kind-of on-brand.

Kraft Heinz makes the world’s favourite ground-up artificially-flavoured cows hooves (Jell-O), and produces the wonderfully handy Mac & Cheese in a box, which tastes like death but can be used to make High-Vis safety turds.

All up, though, it’s been a baaaad week for hot dog sentiment – if the Cold Dog wasn’t enough of a warning that we are Rome Before The Fall, then we have more proof if you need it.

This absolute monster was caught on video using a hollowed-out weiner to drink his beer at a Yankees game earlier in the week.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz_ukywy7Ak

 

It’s been lovely knowing you.

 

TO MARKETS

We love the smell of greens in the morning, which is handy because the ASX has opened up and is sitting perky on the fairway for an easy chip-in birdie before a nice long lunch in the clubhouse.

The benchmark boomed 73 points from yesterday’s close, and has been on a charge ever since, tracking nicely to a 1.04% climb for the morning.

Across the sectors, and it’s a great day to be anyone except for a Telco – it’s the only sector in the red this morning, which is weird because of all the sectors, it’s the least likely one to miss the “everybody win today” text that went out this morning.

It’s not a huge drop (-0.15%), but it’s the only red blemish among some technically solid gains, including Consumer Staples (+1.08%), Energy (+0.92%) and Materials (+0.91%).

Someone else who didn’t miss the memo this morning was Bega Cheese (ASX:BGA), which delivered a solid performance under difficult circumstances to break through the $3 billion revenue mark.

There’s a slew of other numbers in the report, but the investor takeaway is that the normasiled PAT is $46.3m, up 17% over last year – which means investors will pocket an $0.11 per share dividend, and all the cows will get a celebratory tug on their teats to say thanks.

Blessed are the cheesemakers, etc etc.

Also climbing this morning is Qantas (ASX:QAN), which thrilled the market yesterday by reporting a $1.19 billion loss, blaming the slump on COVID (which makes sense) and the government (whose recent $2 billion in aid “wasn’t generous enough”).

Its price jumped 6.5% this morning, which could have been more, but most investors keep their travelling money in their checked-in luggage, all of which has apparently been re-routed to Brazil.

Leading the losers today is Macquarie Telecom, down 10% after posting a budget-busting 32.4% profit slump from 2021’s $12.5 million – a pity they couldn’t have backed last year’s profit up to the cloud and reinstalled it from there.

 

NOT THE ASX

Overnight, Wall Street had a bit of a banger, with the Nasdaq (+1.67%), S&P (+1.41) and the Dow (+0.98%) putting on some weight, which is possibly a case of investors “bulking up for football” ahead of Jerome Powell’s much-vaunted live show in Wyoming later today.

The results fly in the face of news that the US GDP contracted less than forecast in the June quarter, down by 0.6% vs 0.7% – which is lovely for them in a “you did your best, champ, and there’s nothing wrong with coming 6th” kinda way.

As Early Mornin’ Eddy points out, it makes for a third consecutive quarterly decline, which begs the obvious question: “How many times in a row does the US economy need to shrink twice in a row before anyone acknowledges there’s a recession?”

In Asian markets, investors have enjoyed the chance to go palping the excitement, with the Nikkei (+0.96), Hong Kong (+0.93) both enjoying solid mornings.

But where Japan and Hong were letting off fireworks, Shanghai was busy putting bungers in letterboxes and running away, making lots of noise for little result, up +0.2%.

Over at the commodities desk it’s as wonky as a three-legged donkey today. Oil is up 1.0%, gas is up higher at +2.3%, and copper is topping the major metals chart, up +0.61% while gold (-0.28%) and silver (-0.16%) have fallen slightly.

Meanwhile in the Village of Crypto, where going on an ether binge is hugely expensive and nowhere near as fun as it sounds, the majors are doing their best Nullarbor impressions as movement by the US dollar plays havoc with sentiment.

As always, there’s tons more news about that side of the investor coin, and world-renowned beard-grower Rob Badman’s got it covered in Mooners & Shakers, which you should definitely read.

 

ASX SMALL CAP WINNERS

Here are the best performing ASX small cap stocks for August 26 [intraday]:

Swipe or scroll to reveal full table. Click headings to sort:

Code Company Price % Volume Market Cap
EMP Emperor Energy Ltd 0.049 58% 8,496,360 $7,247,799
RGL Riversgold 0.047 34% 53,939,036 $26,989,756
BRI Big Riv Indust Ltd 2.42 31% 38,907 $152,121,079
BIR BIR Financial Ltd 0.04 33% 8,657,525 $6,043,085
AJQ Armour Energy Ltd 0.007 27% 8,924,272 $12,421,480
CML Chase Mining Limited 0.017 26% 17,585,926 $6,319,792
ROG Red Sky Energy. 0.005 25% 327,750 $21,208,909
BGD Bartongoldholdings 0.185 23% 30,099 $12,893,883
IEC Intra Energy Corp 0.011 22% 2,151,068 $5,452,034
FGL Frugl Group Limited 0.018 20% 1,410 $3,039,783
REZ Resourc & En Grp Ltd 0.024 20% 1,077,730 $9,996,116
CGB Cann Global Limited 0.027 17% 1,652,865 $5,954,092
BEZ Besra Gold 0.042 17% 305,198 $6,186,599
HAR Harangaresources 0.175 17% 14,573 $6,272,103
AHN Athena Resources 0.014 17% 8,305,050 $9,755,611
CY5 Cygnus Gold Limited 0.3 15% 521,034 $38,268,182
KAL Kalgoorlie Gold Mining 0.15 15% 200,000 $9,416,498
ADD Adavale Resource Ltd 0.038 15% 1,883,844 $14,433,309
PKO Peako Limited 0.023 15% 1,000,000 $6,169,082
NNL Nordicnickellimited 0.31 15% 278,403 $15,769,801
LSR Lodestar Minerals 0.008 14% 612,500 $12,169,061
RLC Reedy Lagoon Corp. 0.016 14% 1,144,667 $7,803,977
SI6 SI6 Metals Limited 0.008 14% 264,086 $10,417,324
BCT Bluechiip Limited 0.04 14% 150,000 $20,949,733
HHR Hartshead Resources 0.0375 14% 5,071,678 $61,207,480
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In the Small Caps Deathmatch Wrestling Arena, we’re ready to hand over this morning’s Heavyweight Champion belt to Big River Industries (ASX:BRI), which has leapt from the top turnbuckle to deliver an enormous YoY NPAT boost, up 191.0% over its FY21 result at $27.1m.

Small Caps Wresting fans absolutely love those sorts of moves, and have rewarded Big River with a price jump of 31.8% to $2.45.

The most spectacular move of the morning belongs to Pennyweight Division Champion Empire Energy (ASX:EEG), which has jumped 55% on absolutely no news (for real… not a scrap of a mention anywhere).

We suspect that someone’s had a lapse of reason, woken up thinking it’s Melbourne Cup Day and sparked a betting plunge on the first company they could find with a name that sounds like it belongs to a thoroughbred.

Sadly, in Small Caps Wrestling, if there’s a winner then there must be a loser, and today that is Andromeda Metals (ASX:ADN), which went for a risky suplex, only to have a wardrobe malfunction, popping a -31% Jatz cracker out the leg hole of its wrestling onesie*.

(*Please note: We don’t use the word “leotard” at Stockhead, because we believe that the term marginalises lions with learning disabilities.)

 

ASX SMALL CAP LOSERS

Here are the most-worst performing ASX small cap stocks for August 26 [intraday]:

Swipe or scroll to reveal full table. Click headings to sort:

Code Company Price % Volume Market Cap
CCE Carnegie Cln Energy 0.002 -33% 180,444 $45,307,721
JAV Javelin Minerals Ltd 0.001 -33% 2,464,211 $14,181,229
ADN Andromeda Metals Ltd 0.065 -30% 65,660,895 $289,230,784
ALM Alma Metals Ltd 0.009 -25% 48,461 $8,873,667
KFE Kogi Iron Ltd 0.004 -20% 180,000 $8,087,889
NGY Nuenergy Gas Ltd 0.025 -17% 160 $44,428,665
CLE Cyclone Metals 0.0025 -17% 4,097,111 $18,350,211
CII CI Resources Limited 1.055 -16% 435 $144,476,384
C1X Cosmos Exploration 0.14 -15% 39,190 $4,125,000
CTO Citigold Corp Ltd 0.006 -14% 738,042 $19,835,614
GLV Global Oil & Gas 0.003 -14% 100,001 $6,556,741
GMN Gold Mountain Ltd 0.006 -14% 350,000 $8,352,044
VAR Variscan Mines Ltd 0.039 -13% 3,798,019 $12,002,941
WGX Westgold Resources. 1.01 -13% 2,310,459 $551,770,480
HMI Hiremii 0.047 -13% 745,788 $5,716,827
SIQ Smartgrp Corporation 6.015 -13% 1,175,868 $924,038,181
EPX Ept Global Limited 0.061 -13% 73,000 $12,731,726
ARO Astro Resources NL 0.0035 -13% 50,000,000 $18,820,965
BPH BPH Energy Ltd 0.029 -12% 14,869,602 $21,943,292
LVT Livetiles Limited 0.044 -12% 746,383 $46,151,065
MAQ Macquarie Telecom Gp 64.23 -11% 34,577 $1,562,835,624
AOA Ausmon Resorces 0.008 -11% 932,444 $7,715,604
CCX City Chic Collective 1.77 -11% 2,733,433 $460,361,371
NIS Nickelsearch 0.15 -10% 272,105 $10,101,158
ST1 Spirit Technology 0.063 -10% 1,626,284 $46,530,651
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