The good people of Boston have spoken, demanding that their government deal with the the city’s extremely vexing issue: people keep pissing in the elevators.

There is apparently an unstoppable tidal wave of pee in the city’s elevators and it’s proving to be a major stink for authorities – but the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA) has stepped up to do something about it.

Because, apparently, people (like, a huge number of folks) in Boston are either incontinent, constantly helplessly drunk, or they just have a thing about multitasking, opting to use their elevator time as an opportunity to relieve the pressure while they’re waiting.

In a bid to try to restore sanity to Boston and harmony throughout the universe, the MBTA is installing some world-class piddle-sniffing tech in some of the city’s many public elevators.

The high-tech gizmos are able to “breathe in the air” in each elevator, and “basically smell what is present,” Meghan Collins, MBTA program and projects manager, said.

If you pee on it, it’s yours. Those are the rules. This tree is now mine. Pic via Getty

You’d think the aim of the game would be to install something capable of catching people in the process of claiming the elevator by marking their territory like wolves.

But no – once these whiffy-wee-wee electro-sniffers catch the scent of an unauthorised emission, they send out an urgent alert to a crack squad of mop-wielding mercenaries, who will then race to the scene and clean up the mess.

It’s like the Bat signal, but with heaps more disinfectant. And no Batman.

What a time to be alive.

TO MARKETS

Also stinky – Australian markets woke up to news from the US that everything is on fire and someone, somewhere, appears to have sold the fire hoses to pay for more fuel.

Wall Street plunged and the ASX followed suit, choking harder than a Peruvian penalty kicker at open, dropping ~4%, before lumbering along as it valiantly tried to arrest the gruesome slide.

Around the world, it’s a confluence of negativity that has hit just about every market hard.

Macro issues in the US are making life very difficult for policymakers, with the US Fed under enormous pressure to start pulling all the levers it can to thwart out-of-control inflation amid rumours of a 75 basis points rate hike on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, China looks to be on the cusp of more market-busting lockdowns as COVID starts to spiral out of control in Beijing, which is sending shudders of fear through an already janky market.

And in the crypto world, even seasoned veterans who are quite used to seeing rivers of blood flow out of their wallets were blanching and reaching for the sick bags as the wheels came off last night.

Bitcoin crashed ~18% in the past 24 hours, bounced a little at US$21,500 before getting back on track towards the US$21,000 mark that has some big investors sweating bullets. ETH and XRP also took a double-digit percentage hammering.

Markets all over the place fell, and fell hard. The Nasdaq led the charge, shedding 4.68%, followed by the S&P dropping 3.88% and the Dow, down 2.79%

In Asia, Japanese shares fell 1.75%, but – strangely – Chinese and sort-of Chinese markets seemed immune from the chaos. In Shanghai, the market finished 0.01% down, and Hong Kong shares broke even.

Oil prices slipped 0.27%, gold prices fell 0.3% despite investors leaping for more solid ground, and copper prices fell 0.23%.

But we all had a nice long weekend for Old Lady Lizzie’s birthday and Australia has scraped into the World Cup… so there’s that, I guess.

ASX SMALL CAP WINNERS

Here are the best performing ASX small cap stocks for June 14 [intraday]:

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The big winner in the world of small caps today is ETFs Ultra Short Nasdaq 100 Hedge Fund (ASX:SNAS) – and the reason why could be hidden there in the name.

Who woulda thunk it that shorting the Nasdaq could be a money spinner when everything’s in freefall?

SNAS jumped nearly 18% as every man and his dog took the opportunity to sink the boot into the Nasdaq while it’s down, helping add to a healthy ~22% YTD rise.

Close behind was Betashares US EQY Strong Bear – CH (ASX:BBUS) – again, the clue as to why is on the side of the BBUS tin. It climbed nearly 15% through the morning.

One company adding value today (without betting against the market) was Lake Resources (ASX:LKE), which climbed ~8.0%, proving to be somewhat weather-proof, as Reubs pointed out last week.

And the market has reacted positively to news out of France that Gas2Grid (ASX:GGX) is feeling upbeat about legal proceedings against the French government, with a court date finally down for June 29. Gas2Grid says it was dudded out of a hydrocarbon exploration permit, and is seeking more than $50 million in compo. Go get ’em, boys!

ASX SMALL CAP LOSERS

Here are the worst performing ASX small cap stocks for June 14 [intraday]:

Swipe or scroll to reveal full table. Click headings to sort: