Reporting live from both the sidelines, and the stage of the Great Hall of the People, Stockhead Special Correspondent Xi Jinping (two-time in his inimitable style brings all the latest glitz, glamour and gossip from the socialist event of the decade, China’s 20th Communist Party Congress in Beijing.

 

This is a parody. Don’t write in. Repeat, this is a parody and it’s incredible and a little bit unsettling that we even have to preface it.

Hi, thanks again for tuning in live via your eyes to the latest from Stockhead’s Some-Correspondents-Are-More-Equal-Than-Others Correspondent, two-term Chinese President, Author, Media Critic, Athlete, Town Planner, Pilot and anti-corruption Wolf warrior Mr Xi Jinping who – aside from penning allegory-rich dispatches from Beijing’s Great Hall of the People during this week’s 20th Communist Party Congress – is himself widely expected to be a rousing shoe-in as the first post-Mao leader to get downloaded for an unprecedented third term.

Xi – whose current side gigs include: General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), President of the People’s Republic of China (PRC), Chairman of the Central Military Commission (CMC), Member of the Politburo Standing Committee (PSC), Chairman of the National Security Committee , Head of the Central Comprehensive Reform Committee, Head of the Central Foreign Affairs Committee, Head of the Central Audit Committee, Head of the Central Leading Group for Taiwan Affairs, Head of the Central Financial and Economic Affairs Committee of the CCP Central Committee, Head of the Central Network Security and Information Technology Committee, Head of the CMC Central Leading Group for Deepening Reforms of National Defence and the Military, Commander in Chief of the Joint Operations Command Center of the People’s Liberation Army (PLA), Chairman of the Central Military and Civilian Integration Development Committee, Head of the Central Committee for Comprehensive Ruling by Law, Member of the Politburo and Full member of the Central Committee of the CCP – says working for Stockhead is “the best gig I’ve ever had” and that the new employee benefits scheme is “first rate” while working conditions “are tolerable and well within industry standards.”

Xi also goes on to say:

“…it’s just been unreal to work in a vibrant newsroom with such a shared future vision for humanity which comes from an excellent pedigree.”

“Stockhead,” he said, “is an association in which the free development of each is the condition for the free development of all, and the bring your own cake day really resonates with the Communist Party ideal of harmony.”

My Editor Peter Farquhar’s faultless direction reminds me a lot of Mao Zedong’s Three Worlds Theory and Deng Xiaoping’s peace and development as two main world themes, only Peter’s so funny and friendly and both listens to suggestions and doesn’t just disappear you or your family members on a whim.” 

Stockhead Deputy Editor Reuben Adams said of Mr Xi:

“Since being elected general secretary of the CPC Central Committee in November 2012, and then taking on a part-time stringer role with Stockhead a few weeks ago, Xi has been seen as a man of determination and action, a man of profound thoughts and feelings, a man who inherited a legacy but dares to innovate, and a man who has forward-looking vision and is committed to working tirelessly for quality small cap news with a quip or two, maybe a wink or a nod. That kind of stuff.”

 

And so, as all the biggest names across China’s sparkling one-party state gather in the sumptuous backlit corners of the Great Hall’s trademark Stalinist-brutalism chic, we let Mr Xi roam free asking the tough, totally unplugged questions to the Who’s Who of the next generation of the CCP’s top leadership.

Critical questions like:

 

Taiwan? What’s that all about?

How much fun is being mean to Australia?  

And why can’t they all be super nice, and just give us what we want? …like that lovely marine biologist fella we give all the money to for the rocks which make the stuff… My God he’s literally so nice!

Does this blue suit and red tie make me look more powerful than my secret pop-matinee idol, mentor and political genius Donald Trump?

Just how thin and youthful would you say this blue suit and red tie make me look?

What are you doing here? Didn’t I purge you last year?

If I were to accept an unprecedented third term in power with no remaining checks or balances left in place to stop whatever whim or wish that comes into my mind being instantly fulfilled at anytime… then what’s in it for me?

And I think Our Man in Beijing is on the line:

 

Wow. And welcome for the first time today to all our fabulous unpaid subscription readers from Stockhead in Australia – they might call you cheap bastards in the newsroom, but over here you’re okay with me!

Well, what an incredible first few days of pageantry we’ve had here in the capital of Haute-Couture Communism in Beijing. I haven’t seen this kind of harmonious colour scheming since at least the Third Plenary Session of the 11th Central Committee of the Communist Party of China, back in ’78.

It is I, everyone’s favourite humble leader, coming to you live from the Great Hall, where, you’ll be entirely unsurprised to learn that among the 2,300 delegates streaming in from across China, I’ve just been awarded best dressed General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), Chairman of the Central Military Commission (CMC) and incumbent President of the People’s Republic of China.

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From the NPC website: “The magnificent Great Hall of the People is a modern structure in China. It has absorbed both Chinese and foreign architectural influences, and it also presents a distinct national style. Since its inception, the Great Hall has always been the important venue for the Party and the state affairs and diplomatic activities. It is here that many earth-shaking historical events, which have changed the development course of China, have taken place. As the country’s political, economic, cultural and diplomatic center and the symbol of the People’s Republic, it symbolises the pride and dignity of the Chinese people of all nationalities. The Hall has, too, witnessed China’s vicissitudes over the past years. For all of these reasons, the Great Hall of the People has commanded respect, admiration and yearning of the Chinese people and naturally become a place that attracts worldwide attention.” Via Getty

Dressed by capitalist running dog and friend of the publication Ivanka Trump – oops name drop No. 1 – in a typically understated blue suit and red tie, I sashayed into the Great Hall on Sunday arvo, literally taking the breath away from potentially millions of elderly cadres and citizens by subsequently doubling down on my now trademark zero-COVID policy.

Now, before we get stuck in, I just want to say how great it is to be back at the greatest entertainment magazine in the West – after Penthouse, Farmer Direct and the Aldi brochure – and most of all, I’m thrilled to be back kicking goals for Stockhead.

First things first: I can only hope Sunday’s follicle par follicle precision manicuring of my Ivankan ’22 hairstyle and my 7 hour 38 minute address has finally put to bed those crazy-ass rumours that I was “supposedly” “removed” in some sort of “palace coup.” (Air quotes are mine.)

This is patently not true. And I don’t even care about your patents.

You may recall a few weeks back that author, shit-stirrer supreme and deadman walking, Gordon G Chang reposted a tweet that claims to show off ‘videographic proof’ of said coup.

According to the tweet, PLA military vehicles were spotted heading to Beijing on Sep 22.

More totally made up and unverified reports of no commercial flights flying over Beijing.

 

Let me again reassure you that Mr Chang and his ilk will be among the first against the wall when the revolution re-comes.

Yes a bunch of army trucks were heading into Beijing. I was hungry, I closed all the shops and Zhingnanhai was out of burgers.

Yes, the planes were “avoiding” Beijing airspace. But only because that airspace is mine. Like the power. And the air quotes. And frankly according to the party social contract, I don’t need to share it.

Also this guy spelled my name wrong:

BJP leader Subramanian Swamy too weighed in on the rumour and tweeted saying it ought to be checked out.

 

You know I also “supposedly” “disappeared” after popping down to check out my new place in “Hong Kong”, (where I really turned heads in a blue suit and red tie) for the July 1 Handover To Me anniversary.

This always happens. But I always come back. Remember it.

Getting back to ME on my big entrance.

So everyone’s sitting in the main auditorium waiting for the Main Event big speech.

Here’s a quick taste:

 

These days, I like to pause back stage, do a little circle prayer with my homies and thank Justin Beiber for just being himself and then let everyone just keep sipping their tea (‘cos no-one’s allowed to just get up and hit the head when Xi starts up! LoL!!)  and then – boom –  flanked on left and right by by party leaders old and less old, past and future, I get sashaying, take to the pulpit for a bare two hours to make pretty with words about how insane the party’s going to be when I’m in charge for a totally previously illegal but I changed the constitution so it’s okay third term.

TBH, I didn’t get too worked up.

Fact is peeps, this is not the place for long-winded Bond villain type strategic confession. When you’ve ripped 800 million punters kicking and screaming from a lifetime of penury in just 30 years, a firm hand, a red tie and a no unexpected moves Day 1 does the trick.

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Here’s a snap of me at the opening session of the National People’s Congress at The Great Hall of People back in 2017 in Beijing. It was shit. A lot of bollocks and some idiot made me wear a violet tie. WTF? (Photo by Lintao Zhang/Getty Images)

 

Like keeping trim…

…I find a solid purge is really all the pre-show preparation required.

Check it out – in the last, like, 8 years we’ve put the mockers on circa 10,000 dodgy cadres “suspected” of corruption and who then fled OS. Well, my guys (I have them everywhere), snapped them up, brought ’em back to China, and we’ve prosecuted the socks off ’em, and – according to me, but via my boys at Xinhua  – we recovered more than 20 billion yuan or about US$3bn of their ill-gotten gains.

In fact, since I’ve my ascension to the presidency back in 2012, I’ve whacked some 4.4 million punters for graft and stuff like that – and this is according to a very cool doco called Zero Tolerance  (I came up with the name) that the lads at the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection (CCDI), sponsored. On one hand it shows how tough I am on corruption which is a big tick and at the same time, (and this is the best bit) most of those 4.4 million are aligned with internal cliques that don’t dig Xi. So they have to go.

Two birds, one boulder, or something else cool I like to say: “tigers and flies”. I use this one to show that it don’t matter if you’re the highest-ranking government official, or the lowliest civil servant – if you don’t dig Xi, you won’t live free. Snap!

The point is, if you want to be the most powerful Chinese politician since paramount leader Deng Xiaoping, (or maybe even the other great helmsman Mao) then when you front the national CPC to deliver your work report then you’d better make sure that every single one of those 2,000 tea-sipping Communist Party delegates are either actively digging you, or actively crapping their pants.

So, we’ve got a fair bit to go during this mega-historic week-long bladder busting session which I’ll bring to a close on October 22, with a surprise or two and maybe a song from the missus and by then China’ll have a brand spanking new Central Committee to kick the other 97 million party members around.

Like, I could do anything I want. I’m thinking of saving the environment:

The on Sunday 23, my new committee will “vote” to confirm the starting side for the new 25-member Politburo and seven-member Politburo Standing Committee – the highest decision-making body in Chinese politics. (Air quotes designate we sorted this out behind closed doors ages ago.)

This guy is out. NO ONE wears rose coloured glasses on my watch.

So stick around, lot’s happening, we’ll keep you abreast of any developments and surprises. There won’t be surprises. We don’t do surprises. But we’ll keep you abreast.

Peace out. Xi.