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Does being single for an extended period of time change your brain? The good folks at Body + Soul asked clinical psychologist Caroline Weinstein to weigh in.
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When I tell people that, outside of short-term dating, flings and situationships, I’ve been single my entire life, I’m met with shock.
“Really!? Have you just not wanted a partner? Why would you struggle to meet someone?” is usually the response I get. And in all honesty, I don’t fully know the answers to these questions either.
After much contemplation, I’ve whittled it down to a combination of Very Bad Luck, historically terrible taste in men, crippling anxiety, attachment and self-esteem issues, and an all-consuming focus on my career. Which, now I’m reading back over it, sounds like a disastrous combination if what I’m looking for is a healthy relationship.
But establishing the reasons for something doesn’t often make us feel much better, as years of talk therapy has shown me. Recently, I’ve felt incredibly defeated by modern dating (two ghostings in short succession will do that to a girl) and I know I’m not alone down here in the trenches.
It’s never been harder to get into a relationship, and the stats back me up: there are more single people than ever before in history. One study estimates that 45 per cent of women between the ages of 25 and 44 will be single by 2030, a figure that’s up 41 per cent from 2018.
Of course, some women (and people) are happily single and have no intention of finding a partner. But anecdotally, as someone who writes about dating, I encounter many more single people who want to find love but are struggling to do so.
I know firsthand how long-term singleness can both negatively and positively impact your life, but what exactly is it doing to our brains, and should people like me be worried?
In search of some understanding of what long-term singleness might be doing to us psychologically, I reached out to clinical psychologist and the co-founder of The Talking Cure, Caroline Weinstein to provide her expertise.
“From a clinical psychologist’s perspective, being single for a long time can have a range of psychological impacts, influenced by personal resilience, societal norms, attachment style and social support. People often experience long-term singleness differently, and it can lead to both positive and challenging outcomes,” she tells me.
Because I need some cheering up, I ask her to tell me about the positive psychological impacts of long-term singleness. “One benefit of long-term singleness is the opportunity for deep self-discovery and self-reliance. Without the influence of a partner, people often have the chance to clarify their values, interests and personal goals. They may develop strong coping skills and self-sufficiency, as they handle life’s challenges independently.
“This experience can foster resilience and a sense of empowerment, as well as a strong self-identity, which can be beneficial in any future relationships,” she shares.
According to Weinstein, long-term singleness can also lead people to build close friendships and social networks, as these provide vital sources of support, connection and a sense of belonging. This rings true for me – I have an abundance of close, caring friendships and find that I make new friends and connections with ease.
“These connections may provide fulfilment that some might traditionally seek in a partner, allowing people to find meaningful companionship in other relationships. Many people also experience a high level of freedom and satisfaction from leading a lifestyle where they can prioritise their own needs and pursue personal or career goals,” explains Weinstein.
Right, now I’ve heard the good stuff, how about the bad? Weinstein says the experience of long-term singleness can, unsurprisingly, lead to feelings of loneliness, particularly if the single person wants a romantic partner but hasn’t found a suitable match.
“Loneliness, if prolonged, can have a significant impact on mental health, contributing to issues like depression or anxiety. The psychological strain often depends on whether the individual feels satisfied in their singleness or whether they perceive it as unintentional or undesired,” she says.
Unfortunately, your attachment style and relational patterns can also be impacted by long-term singleness. Weinstein tells me that people who are single for extended periods may become very independent, which can lead to potential challenges when they try to integrate someone else into their lives. Those who have a history of unfulfilling or challenging dating habits might develop avoidant attachment patterns or protective habits to protect themselves from hurt or rejection. On the other end of the attachment spectrum, long-term singleness may also exacerbate anxious attachment tendencies.
Weinstein also says that people who struggle with their self-worth “might worry about their single status and interpret it as a sign that they’re unlovable or inadequate”, something that certainly rings true for me. “This pattern can contribute to self-critical thoughts, and they may develop a reliance on external validation, which could make future relationships more challenging,” she explains.
She also adds that while there isn’t much research specifically focusing on the impact of long-term singleness on the brain, studies on social isolation and loneliness offer some insights. “Prolonged loneliness can impact brain areas related to emotional regulation, memory and social cognition, potentially increasing sensitivity to stress and reducing empathy or social awareness. Social isolation can disrupt reward processing in the brain, making social interactions feel less rewarding, which might discourage engagement over time.”
She emphasises that these effects are more about lacking meaningful social connections than being single itself, though. “Many single people thrive with strong friendships and support networks, avoiding these negative impacts. The brain is adaptable, and reconnecting socially or engaging in fulfilling relationships – romantic or otherwise – can help reverse these effects.”
If you’re also navigating a long stretch of singleness, you might be wondering how you can keep your brain healthy through all the ups and downs it can present.
“First, challenge societal beliefs that equate happiness with being in a relationship. Remember that your worth and happiness aren’t defined by your relationship status. Practising self-compassion can help combat feelings of inadequacy,” Weinstein says.
She also highlights the importance of fostering meaningful friendships and community connections. “These relationships can fulfil the need for support, companionship, and shared experiences, offering a sense of belonging that might otherwise be associated with a romantic partner.”
Looking at your single years as an opportunity to explore your own goals, values and interests, is a smart reframing, too. “This time allows you to cultivate a strong foundation of self-worth and resilience, and a clear sense of what you want in life, which will be valuable whether you remain single or enter a relationship,” she says.
And what advice does she have for the single people who are done with being single and are ready for a relationship? “Staying open to new connections while maintaining a positive, balanced view of singlehood can help. Recognise that being single isn’t a deficiency but a phase that can be just as fulfilling as any other.”
This article first appeared in Body +Soul.
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