‘I was the product of an affair – here’s why Dave Grohl made the right decision’

Dave Grohl may have made a mistake but his decision to be a father to his daughter isn’t one.

Words by Shona Hendley at bodyandsoul.com.au

A famous rocker, an extramarital affair and a child born from the relationship. It’s not a completely shocking scenario to hear with plenty of high-profile male musicians – Steve Tyler, Eric Clapton, Gavin Rossdale, Ludacris and Tom Jones – being in these situations before.

So, when I read the headlines this morning: “Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl admits to cheating on his wife and fathering a secret child”, well, I wasn’t overly taken aback.

What did surprise me was what Grohl wrote in his public statement.

Going public

Posted to his Instagram page, Grohl said he “Recently became the father of a new baby daughter, born outside of my marriage. I plan to be a loving and supportive parent to her. I love my wife and children, and I am doing everything I can to regain their trust and earn their forgiveness.”

Hang on a minute – Grohl has taken accountability? Shown empathy? Honesty? Taken responsibility? A man who cheated on his wife, broken her trust and that of his older children, has admitted he needs to earn it back? And perhaps even more incredibly, has said publicly that he plans to be a loving and supportive parent to his youngest daughter, the one from the affair??? Surely, this cannot be correct.

No, I’m not cynical (well maybe just a little), but my incredulity comes from a personal place, of my own lived experience: being the daughter born from an extramarital affair.

Unlike Grohl though, my dad didn’t take responsibility, didn’t show empathy, has never taken accountability, nor has he been a supportive or loving parent. Which is why reading Grohl’s statement has left me feeling this way.

I’ll admit that I hold bitterness toward my father for his actions, behaviour, and words he has directed to me over the years – this bitterness and resentment is an ongoing issue I am working on – but I know he alone is not to blame for this. There are other factors, other people involved, too: my mother, and even to some extent myself.

But I can say without a doubt that the biggest influence on my ongoing struggle with issues around acceptance, rejection, self-belief, and confidence, is my father – my mostly absent father – the one who has never even spoken of my existence.

Nobody’s perfect

The thing is, people make mistakes (or sometimes they aren’t so much a mistake as they are a decision). They participate in relationships that hurt other people and betray their trust.

My father and mother were in a relationship for seven years, the entire time my father was married to his wife, his wife who, as far as I am aware still knows nothing of his deceit or that I exist.

So, in my parents’ case, I wouldn’t call what they did a mistake. Seven years sort of makes that term redundant. But it was without a doubt, a relationship that, if discovered, would have hurt his wife, and later his son, the one born a week after me.

For me though, I was aware of the truth. I was told this by my mum, my only active, supportive and loving parent (regardless of any other poor decision she made).

My dad remained a figure lurking in the distance, sending cards for birthdays and Christmas, calling a few times a year, one who I didn’t ever see, who I couldn’t contact even if I wanted to, who I didn’t even have a photo of – all to protect himself.

This half-in, half-out presence in my life, then later the rejection which took the form of ghosting once I’d turned 18, fuelled every insecurity I had and showed me very clearly what a loving and supportive parent is, and is not.

With the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census revealing that one in five (20 per cent) of Aussies have cheated – with 46 per cent saying their partners never found out – affairs and children born from can hardly be rare.

What is rare is a parent not only taking accountability for their actions but choosing to do the right thing by their child – regardless of their relationship with the mother, or the relationship type they were born from.

By choosing to be a part of his daughter’s life, Grohl has done something my father never did and this, without a doubt will prove to have a formative and positive influence on his youngest daughter’s life.

Because this baby shouldn’t be punished for something she had no control over, nor have the love, support, and acceptance she deserves denied because of the decisions of her parents.

While Grohl may have made a poor decision regarding his wife, he hasn’t with his daughter and this, to me, speaks volumes.

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