How to recover from financial infidelity, according to an expert

Money can be a taboo topic for dinner parties, but when it comes to you and your significant other, it’s essential to talk about.

Words by Shona Hendley at bodyandsoul.com.au

Financial infidelity presents differently than ‘cheating’ but it is as harmful to a relationship, it can appear in a myriad of different ways but needs to be identified and addressed.

While infidelity is one of the most common reasons why relationships come to an end, when we think of a partner being unfaithful, it’s usually, physical, or even emotional affairs that are what spring to mind. However, there’s another type of cheating that is potentially more damaging: financial infidelity.

“Financial infidelity is when you hide or lie about your money matters to your partner,” says Ladies Finance Club Founder, Molly Benjamin.

“It can show up in many ways, ranging from little white lies to more serious issues. Some people might spend recklessly on shopping sprees, or even worse, on addictions like gambling, which can harm the whole family.”

According to a poll of Ladies Finance Club followers, this behaviour is quite common with almost one-third (31%) of respondents admitting they lie to their partners about spending.

“This is perhaps unsurprising when we consider how individuals can have different priorities about money. For every woman who thinks spending up in Mecca is necessary, there is a husband who thinks it’s a total waste, “Benjamin says.

Due to these different priorities, Benjamin says that many respondents have set rules about spending money with their partners. However, this does not always mean it is followed through.

“The question arises – are these the same people lying about their spending as a result?” Benjamin asks.

Tall Tales and True

While lying around spending (especially if it is a smaller amount) may be viewed as insignificant by some people, it still constitutes financial infidelity and like any other form of infidelity, can be harmful to a relationship.

“Financial infidelity can derail a relationship when it’s exposed, and the partner who has been ‘cheated on’ loses all trust in their partner. They wonder ‘if my partner lies about this issue, then what else do they lie about?’” Benjamin says.

Another major side effect of financial infidelity is financial abuse.

“There is potential for it to cross over into financial abuse, for example, when a partner takes out a debt in your name, but without your knowledge or permission,” says Benjamin.

“Unfortunately, when a couple is de facto or married, their financial situations are intricately tied up together, and they can be liable for each other’s debts and liabilities. And in the event of a divorce, if one partner has effectively hidden their assets, there is the potential for them to get more than their fair share in the settlement, and leave the other partner impoverished.”

Warning Signs

The good news is, that there are some signs that a partner may be financially unfaithful that you can look out for, including:

Hiding bank statements or blocking access to online banking
Being defensive or angry when asked about spending or money
Wanting to open new credit cards or get loans without explanation
Sudden changes in money behaviours, such as being more frugal or unexplained expenses
Accounts being empty or overdrawn without warning
Unexplained withdrawals or transfers
Lying about income or bonuses

“Like traditional cheating, there are also behaviour changes like changing phone passwords, taking calls in another room, guarding mailbox access, and unexplained absences from home,” says Benjamin.

And if you suspect financial infidelity, there are steps you can take.

“Communication is key,” adds Benjamin. “In the first instance, you should talk to your partner in an open conversation and avoid jumping to conclusions or making accusations.

If that doesn’t work though, and you are concerned about your financial situation being affected, take steps such as getting a free credit report (Equifax or Wemoney) and contacting your financial providers,” she says.

There are also strategies you can implement as a couple to avoid potential issues arising, including:

5 tips for financial fidelity

#1. Have regular money conversations

“Our Ladies Finance Club survey found that 37% of couples either don’t talk about money or only do so when it’s unavoidable. However, research from Ramsey Solutions shows that couples who regularly discuss their money are happier and more satisfied in their relationships.”

So, make it a habit to talk about your finances regularly.

#2. Get a free credit report annually

This helps you keep an eye on your credit history and see if anyone (including fraudsters) is trying to get loans in your name.

#3. Review joint accounts regularly

If you have joint accounts, make sure both of you have access and review them together regularly. Transparency is key.

#4. Use two-factor authentication for separate accounts

For separate accounts, ensure there’s two-factor authentication so only you can access your account. This adds an extra layer of security.

#5. Always have an emergency fund in your name

It’s important to have a safety net that you control. An emergency fund in your name ensures that you have access to funds if you ever need them, independently of your partner.

Finally, and importantly, if you’re not sure, Benjamin says you should speak to your financial providers and get in touch with free financial counselling services such as the National Debt Hotline.

“If you think there is financial abuse involved, you can reach out to 1800 RESPECT for confidential help.”

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