Don't get on with your in-laws? Here's how to survive the holidays

Struggle to see eye to eye with your partner’s family? Don’t let the pressure of the festive season send you over the edge. Here’s how a psychologist suggests you approach the holidays.

Words by Mia Erickson at bodyandsoul.com.au

Body + Soul’s articles are dedicated to helping you find the right product at the right price. They may receive revenue from affiliate and advertising partnerships for sharing this content and when you make a purchase. Learn more

In an ideal world, we’d all love to get along with every member of our extended family. But as everyone knows, arguments and tensions between siblings, parents and cousins are sometimes unavoidable.

When it comes to in-laws, however, there can be some especially powerful relationships at play, adding another layer of complexity to you and your partner’s combined family dynamic.

Whether you’ve historically clashed with your mother and father-in-law over politics, religious beliefs, or how to set the table for Christmas dinner, the holidays are notorious for feeding existing tensions, as well as sparking some new ones.

If you’re dreading the upcoming week of gift-giving, carol-singing and table-setting, here’s some useful advice from a psychologist on how to protect your peace.

The holiday period is typically one filled with family reunions, seeing different members travel around the country to celebrate in person with loved ones. Adding to the stress of travel and accommodation, the Christmas period can often be a pricey one, with the never-ending costs of gifts and festivities taking a toll on people’s pockets.

While every family is built on a unique variety of connections and bonds, the relationships we have with our partner’s family are often some of the most influential and important. If a relationship is on the rocks, however, it can be especially draining if tension is left unaddressed, according to Psychologist Megan Sinclair.

“If you have grown up being taught to push past the alarm system in your body that gets activated when you feel uncomfortable, the holiday season may traditionally be about keeping those around you happy and having pressure on the perfect family gatherings that are free of conflict,” says Sinclair.

But pushing down these feelings will only amplify our stress response, according to the psychologist, exhausting our mind and body in the process. Here’s how Sinclair suggests we lean on our partner for support.

The power of partnership

Regardless of whether it’s you or your partner who experiences anxiety and discomfort around family, feeling unsupported by your significant other can leave you feeling isolated even in the largest of families.

As the director and Clinical Psychology Registrar at Wellness Avenue says, having open and honest conversations with your partner will allow you both the voice any concerns well before they occur, “It can be about creating mutual boundaries to protect your relationship and keep each other feeling safe and supported,” Sinclair says.

So how should you and your partner prepare for the often confronting period of family festivities? According to Sinclair, there are a few key practices to follow.

Firstly, make sure you’re on the same page about what conversations are off-limits, what time you aim to leave the family gathering, and who (if anyone) in the family you’d prefer to avoid.

Secondly, Sinclair recommends you and your partner ‘create a safe word to simplify communication’, all the while accepting that some moments of discomfort may simply be out of your control.

Avoid giving your partner an ultimatum

While support from your significant other is key, if things start to overwhelm you (somewhere between raiding the stockings and carving the turkey) you must avoid putting your partner in a position where they need to choose ‘sides’.

“Remember that what you find disrespectful may differ from what your partner does, given your family system and upbringing,” says Sinclair. “Your partner cannot read your mind and you cannot read theirs.”

If you are left feeling unsupported throughout a gathering, address the issue, adds Sinclair, “When we are feeling angry, hurt or upset, our prefrontal cortex in the brain switches off making it harder for us to access our logical thought and language centres, meaning that we may struggle to put things into words and communicate logically.”

Respecting all sides of the family

Each family, big or small, has their own set of holiday traditions and expectations around how the time together will be spent. While it’s important– and fun– to honour this, Sinclair says trying to do too much will only lead to burnout.

“It’s okay if others feel disappointed– that’s on them. It can be a good opportunity to have conversations with your family about moving celebrations to an alternative day so you can celebrate together,” suggests Sinclair, adding that many families like to rotate between each set of in-laws year after year.

Above all, while no one wants to spark unpleasant drama during the festive season, the psychologist urges us to not let people-pleasing tendencies overrule supporting our mental health.

“If there is tension present and the alarm system in your body is signalling to you that these are not safe relationships, we should lean in and honour that,” says Sinclair. “As long as you find social support in other areas of your life it’s okay to not enjoy the company of those who are related to you.”

This article first appeared at bodyandsoul.com.au