Are you committing these five communication sins in your relationship?

If you’re unsure if you’re committing a relationship communication sin, Body+Soul has five signs you can look out for.

Words by Anna Swoboda

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Couples often say they have “communication” problems when a relationship is struggling. It’s as if one person speaks one language and the other doesn’t seem to understand. Usually, this leaves both parties feeling frustrated, isolated and, at times, insecure.

When we start to feel these emotions, it can be the beginning of a toxic communication cycle. You begin the silent treatment, become more defensive, and find yourself getting more emotional (cue the tears and anger). Does this sound like you? If so, then you could be committing a communication sin.

However, whilst communication might be the problem, it can also be the solution. If you’re unsure you’re committing a communication sin, here are five signs you can look out for.

Sin #1: Silence

The first and most damaging sin is not communicating at all. As controversial as it might sound, the absence of fighting is not necessarily a good thing.

When you might have been jealous of those couples who seem to never fight, just know that 80 per cent of divorces happen because couples have just stopped talking about their unmet needs and how they feel. Ultimately, they grow apart.

I’m not recommending a fighting match, but rather take small practical steps to start the communication process. Start by creating safety for yourself and your partner- identify behaviour that would help you feel safe to communicate with your partner. Check in and ask them how emotionally accepted they feel around you. You’ll find they will lean in and start to share their deepest needs and desires.

Tip: Start a daily ritual with your partner where you check in with each other.

Sin #2: Criticism

When you criticise your partner, you are saying (and they might also be hearing) that something is wrong with them. While it’s often easy to run and blame them for all the problems, it’s only going to leave them feeling attacked, especially if you’re using the words “you never” or “you always”.

Trust me when I say that no amount of communication will work when they feel attacked or defensive.

You’re only setting yourself up for a dangerous pattern. The way to fix it? Make a direct complaint that does not attack your partner’s personality.

Sin #3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness leads to either a counterattack or whining (AKA victim mindset). If one person expresses concern and their only response is to fight back, it’s hard to move through. Unfortunately, defensiveness is never helpful; it fuels the bad exchange.

The antidote is to hear your partner’s complaint and find a way to share the responsibility. Ask yourself genuinely- what is my part in this?

Sin #4: Contempt

Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behaviour that frames you to be on a level above your partner. It often looks like eye rolling, mocking, sneering and name-calling; this is what kills the intimacy in a relationship.

If you’ve found this is where your relationship is, you both need to start appreciating each other again. Start by having daily conversations where you tell each other how much you appreciate one another.

Sin #5: Stonewalling

The final fundamental communication sin is stonewalling. This is when the listener withdraws from the conversation, and they might stop tracking the conversation or physically leave. Whilst it might seem like they don’t care, it’s healthy. They are leaving because they are overwhelmed and need to take a break. In defence, the other person often goes into flight or fright and demands to talk.

The key is to look out for the signs that your partner is disengaged from the conversation and agree to take a twenty-minute break. If needed, then come back to the discussion.

Good communication skills are paramount for a successful and sustainable relationship. If you want to improve your relationship, have the courage to speak your whole truth to your partner, hold nothing back, and take responsibility for your part in the relationship.