After 35 years of stockbroking for some of the biggest houses and investors in Australia and the UK, the Secret Broker is regaling Stockhead readers with his colourful war stories — from the trading floor to the dealer’s desk.

I sit on the board of trustees for the ELF Superannuation Fund, so they occasionally get me to answer letters that may have financial connotations, as otherwise they are all too busy to answer them.

And outsourcing to foreign operators last year turned out to be a disaster. Mrs Jones from Tamworth is still traumatised by the turkey basting recipe she was recommended, and how her Harold sneezed so hard from the spices, his false teeth shot across the table.

Mrs Patel from Dubbo didn’t seem to mind though. She will be appearing in the Christmas MasterChef Special, which will feature her ‘Ham off the Bone’ korma curry with cherries plus her very own vegetarian version of turkey vindaloo stuffing.

I think I’ll be snoring through that one, thank you very much.

Anyway here we go. The first letter to Santa regards a modern twist to adding a coin to the Christmas pudding.
 
***
 

Dear Santa,

I am looking for some advice, regarding adding a coin to my homemade Christmas pudding, as this tradition has been in our family for generations.

Now, I know that you will remember all the hooha that was caused in 1966, when the government changed the metal used in our coins, by putting copper and nickel in them, as it was cheaper to produce them.

That year, any added coins turned green and I seemed to have misplaced my stash of pre 1966 sixpences and thruppences.

However, just because I am 88 years old doesn’t mean that I am not up with these modern times and this year I am going to add a sixpence worth of Bitcoin to my pudding.

Just wondering what your advice would be.

Cold wallet or hot wallet?

Yours
Agnes Murphy,
County Cork, Ireland.

 
Dear Agnes,

Your idea of adding a sixpence worth of Bitcoin to a traditional Christmas pudding certainly means that you are very ‘with it’ for an old person.

I must admit, this is something of a first for all of us here. We had to call in some of the teenage elves for their suggestions.

Waiting around till lunch time for them to appear from their dormitories was very frustrating and there were a few too many ‘huhs’ and ‘hahs’ going on for my liking. But they finally came up with the ‘best solution, if accidentally swallowed, bro’.

It would appear that you will need to get your hands around a Russian dongle.

Now, whilst this may sound like the goings-on from the 1976 porn movie ‘From Russia with Love’, it is in fact a special USB device, made for Russian spies.

Nip down to your nearest JB HiFi and ask them for a ‘Makarov SP89 USB Dongle’ – but make sure you get version two. Version one had its own design faults and when swallowed, it would get lodged in the throat, making it easy for enemy spies to retrieve if the owner got themselves captured.

However, version two is much easier to swallow as it has more rounded edges and it can also survive a nuclear blast. Even the harshest brandy sauce won’t be able to destroy the Bitcoin code.

Just so you know, in 1966 the Copper and Brass Information Centre announced ‘another age-old custom is being threatened!’.

So, your idea is certainly a winner, though when I suggested this to Mrs Broker she replied with a two finger salute, which means she shall be sticking to our traditional paper cheque wrapped in foil.

At least I will get a laugh when someone bites into the foil.

As ever,

TSB, per pro Santa Clause.
North Pole.
 
***
 
Dear Santa,

Last night, after our firm’s Christmas COVID super spreader party, we ended the night in the local Chinese chew ‘n spew and my fortune cookie said ‘buy high, sell low’.

This bit of advice exactly mirrors my crypto trading and I was wondering if I should keep following it until I run out of money.

Thanks,

Zac Papadopolous.
Melbourne, Australia.

 

Dear Zac,

I think you should quit trading or at least find another fortune cookie shop.

If you wish to carry on trading though, my very own crypto trading platform will allow you to open an account and each new account opened automatically comes with a ‘5 times leverage’ button.

I of course will be on the other side of all your trades and should you actually happen to fluke a winning trade, your account will be frozen.

Sound familiar?

Account opening forms are attached and no 100-point ID check is required, as the platform is registered in the very financially accepted country of Panama.

Good luck.

TSB, per pro Santa Clause
North Pole.

P.S. Don’t forget to hit up your Nana for a loan, so your trading style can be extended for a few more months.
 
***
 
Dear Santa,

I hate my current mother-in-law as she is always criticising everything I do for my current wife and I was wondering if you had any really useless presents that you could suggest I could buy and put under the tree for her.

When I got my bonus package of options from my company, all she could say was “Why is the exercise price so high?” And “Why didn’t you negotiate a better price?”

Even when I exercised some of them and sold them on the market, she thought the 0.002% commission was way too high and that I should find another broker.

The interfering old bat needs to be brought down a peg or two.

Any thoughts?

Yours,
Mr. E Musk
℅ ‘Tiny House’
Texas.

 
Dear Mr. Musk,

You have certainly come to the right place for advice, as I have a full-on list of useless presents that can be given out to the ones you love to hate.

In no particular order, here is my list.

A square hula hoop.
An ashtray with a hole in the middle.
One ply toilet paper.
Round dice.
Anything from Kogan.
A bottle of vegetarian wine.
Any metal teapot used in airport lounges.
These Urinal Shot Glasses
Lifetime membership to Clive Palmer’s political party.
I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats (Amazon Books)
Any Paleo Pete cookbook
Ski lessons from Eddie the Eagle
Appointment at an STD clinic
Any William Shatner recording
Replace their TV remote with one tuned to the wrong channels.
And finally my favourite one of all time…

A ‘This Smells Like My Bollocks’ candle by Jeremy Clarkson. (The unique and leathery scent of his car seat, blended with hints of oakmoss and earthy spices. There is no other smell like this…. in the world).

We always have one of these as a spare present in case someone we hate comes around, and we wrap it up with love. Usually we never see them again.

I suppose in your case, you could always upgrade the software in her Tesla, encourage her to use the ‘no hands needed’ function and send her off on an hour’s drive. That way, you will be able to give a moving speech about her at the coroner’s inquest and the press will lap it up.

Kind Regards,
TSB, per pro Santa Clause,
North Pole

The Secret Broker can be found on Twitter here @SecretBrokerAU or on email at [email protected]

Feel free to contact him with your best stock tips and ideas.