After 35 years of stockbroking for some of the biggest houses and investors in Australia and the UK, the Secret Broker is regaling Stockhead readers with his colourful war stories — from the trading floor to the dealer’s desk.

I was just going to write about Woolworths today and its share buyback, which CEO Brad Banducci announced last week.

The mere mention of his surname always throws up an image in my head of a Mexican bandit wearing Italian leather shoes whilst trying to sell me a secondhand donkey.

I think he is actually South African born and bred and a local boy made good.

But then along came David Dicker. His $2.5 billion company, Dicker Data, managed to fall 20% in just three days after he sold a few of his shares.

I’ve always said that if someone’s parents give their child an awkward name, they have a right to say:

You oughta thank me before I die,
For the gravel in your gut,
And the spit in the eye

And thank Johnny Cash’s ‘A Boy named Sue’ for the inspiration.

David has obviously come out fighting, and shown them all.

Because there is no better way to stick it up them than by listing your company on the ASX and naming it in honour of that which (and we think we’re making a fair assumption here, because it is Australia, after all) caused you more than your fair share of early troubles in life.

So, on January 21, 2011, Dicker Data was listed on the ASX and our David must have rung the opening bell very hard that day, so every one of his old school buddies could hear it.

I certainly did, because I was standing in The Republic Bar across the street and someone loudly shouted in my ear that ‘it appears that Big Ben has been installed in the ASX’s IPO room’.

You may think I jest. But here’s more proof behind my ‘Boy named Sue’ theory, as this week our David came out with a cracking defence of himself.

After his sale of shares, he must have got a call from the broker who handled his sale, asking him to issue a statement to clarify why he was selling. Especially as his dividends last year were the equivalent of $115,000 a week (or 18,600 Big Macs).

So, on August 31, 2021 at 5pm, David Dicker clarified why he needed to tickle out a few of his shares. And I quote:

1. The final Capital spending on Rodin Cars.
2. Purchase of a used Bombardier Global XRX
3. A return to trading the US equity markets

What a legend this bloke is.

He told it exactly as it was. Normally we would advise sellers to say for ‘family-related medical reasons’ and everyone would tear up and buy more stock, tissues in hand.

I had to Google “Rodin Cars”, as even though I am a bit of a petrolhead myself, I had never heard of them.

It turns out they are a private product of David’s making and the reason I must have missed them is because, even though they are a master of F1 perfection, Top Gear has never reviewed them.

Here is their website. Liam Lawson says the FZED is “faster than an F2”. And he’d know, because he’s an F2 driver.

By the way, Rodin was the name of the sculptor who chipped away all the square bits of rock that didn’t look like a man sitting on the toilet whilst thinking, to produce ‘Thinking Man’. (In case you hadn’t noticed, that’s Rodin’s Thinking Man’ reflected in the car’s logo.)

Next I had to Google ‘a used Bombardier Global XRX’ and I got this image:

Picture: Getty Images

Cost: US$12,950,000 or 3,000,033 Big Macs to us mere mortals. And they can fly 11,390km or 13.5 hours non-stop.

There’s only one response to all of this:

Not only does David Dicker tell it how it is but he also doesn’t draw a salary, as he believes in aligning himself with his fellow shareholders.

But were shareholders impressed? Were they f#@k.

In typical Australian tall poppy syndrome, DDR was marked down 20% in three days. It seems the only person it made happy was Mrs Broker, who was delighted to be able to top up her ‘Boy named Sue’ portfolio section at a huge discount.

In her investment eyes, David Dicker now proudly sits next to Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos.

Note to the sellers: David offloaded 1.6 per cent of his shares. He still owns another 33.5 per cent…

Mrs Broker still has some cash set aside, just in case Moon Unit Zappa or her brother Dweezil ever decide to IPO a company named after themselves or Gwyneth’s daughter Apple lists her shares in her mother’s company Goop.

As for me, I’ll hold out until David Dicker realises Dickie Dique runs a fuel infrastructure company called Decmil, and together they form the ultimate ‘Boy Named Sue’ company.

How do you do?

The Secret Broker can be found on Twitter here @SecretBrokerAU or on email at [email protected]

Feel free to contact him with your best stock tips and ideas.