Gidday Aussie. I’m Xi “3” Jinping and welcome back Stockheaders to beautiful dystopian Beijing, where over the last few days at the batshit boring, but damn well useful 20th National Congress of the Communist Party of China, I’m delighted to report that I’ve consolidated power in a really terrific, unprecedented – and some might say (except they’ve gone a bit quiet) – terrifying totality.

You mighta missed it because National Congresses of the CCP were dull and boring by about the 4th National Congress and this one, despite being historic AF, is no diff on the periph. (OMG I’m poetic).

But to catch you up, on Saturday, everybody who matters – and some Hu don’t, (haha) – endorsed my “core position” regarding China’s leadership, ie: I’m China’s core leadership.

Hey you guys! Me being adulated at the 20th National Congress Of The Communist Party Of China. (Photo by Kevin Frayer/Getty Images)

That’ll be the rubber stamp for my “unprecedented” third term in charge.


Read what Little Red Podcast maestro and China in the Pacific genius Graeme Smith at the ANU reckons my ascension means. I like Smitty, but he’s a total goner if choosing to pop by Beijing for a nice kaoya anytime soon.

And again, before you starting sending out more angry, tear-stained tweets or way-bors…

This is a parody. Don’t write in. Repeat, this is a parody.


Caesarian section

When could they say, till now, that talked of Rome,
That her wide walls encompassed but one man?

It’s only taken one week of pageantry and propaganda,  – a few years of purges – and I’m done with ever having to explain myself to reform-minded Hu Jintao acolytes like (now-ex) Premier Li Keqiang  again.

Later today, (now yesterday), Sunday 23rd October (just like 5 years ago, only heaps better) I’m gonna be sashaying back across that luscious blood red carpet inside the Great Hall of the Jinpings to the lecturn of superness, only this time instead of a diversity of party factions reps, I’ll be surrounded entirely by handpicked lackeys of top Yes Men status.

That’s actually a big change. We’re still a dictatorship of the party, but of late we’re more of an oligarchy sans ideology. The politburo debates stuff. It’s the debate I’m freeing us of. That’s your weakness. Well, it’s certainly the democratic weakness – best exemplified by the way Europeans faff about – they discuss, whereas I do.

Their parties had checks and balances enshrined to avoid exactly the sort of kick-ass one-man style rule I’m about to embark on – and Deng put them in place for just this kind of situation.

That’s the best bit.

Hu do you love?

All this just didn’t happen overnight, believe me Stockheaders, I have chewed gum and kicked butt on an epic scale over many years – shafting anyone and everyone according to my finely-tuned paranoia and passion for centralised government and power concentrated first in the hands of the few, and ultimately in my hands alone.

That’s what’s just happened. The lads (and I do mean lads, ‘cos after this congress just 9% of all party delegates are chicks) have been party purging from the moment I first got in right up to last night when the announcement of Me for a Totes Crazy Third Term struck my predecessor, ex-president Hu “the hell is” Jintao, like a ton of pricks.


Yo. I got the boys at Xinhua* to say Hu “‘s my beeyatch” Jintao was “not feeling well” when he was ass-handed hisself and quick step removed smack-bang in the middle of the closing ceremony.

*They totally used to be under (Hu’s protege) Li Keqiang’s control until yesterday, when his ass was made grass. I like to say: yesterday Li was Premier of the People’s Republic of China, today he is just another person in Xi Jinping’s China. It’s not funny or poetic, unless you’re me.

“Xinhuanet reporter Liu Jiawen has learned that Hu Jintao insisted on attending the closing session… despite the fact that he has been taking time to recuperate recently,” Xinhua said on Twitter. “When he was not feeling well during the session, his staff, for his health, accompanied him to a room next to the meeting venue for a rest. Now, he is much better.”

Thanks Theresa, you’re fired.

Then this tweet from eternal thorn in my side and soon to never be allowed back into China again chick – Manya Koetse – the infuriating Dutch capitalist running dog, China social trend watcher and editor-in-chief of What’s on Weibo, posted this, which proves nothing:

I told you last week Manya, there’s no pit stops, toilet breaks or nappy changes when Xi is doing his thing.

What I did next

Everyone loves it when I sashay. (Photo by Kevin Frayer/Getty Images)

Something I also told you all last week (… but you were too busy complaining about when I pledged to unify the F*$k out of Taiwan) during my abbreviated 2.5 hour version of Xi’s Work Report – HU should never, NEVER have decentralised power. Deng Xiao Ping started that talk because of two or three of Mao’s overblown aberrations (Cultural Revolution, Great Leap Forward). But those days are done, as this weekend has clearly and irrevocably shown.

Strong man rule is back baby. And, yeah, Hu was crook. Or whatever. Grey hair and tottering admonitions… HU does he think he was?

If you’d like a good read this week, the title of my report is “Hold High the Great Banner of Socialism with Chinese Characteristics and Strive in Unity to Build a Modern Socialist Country in All Respects 高举中国特色社会主义伟大旗帜为全面建设社会主义现代化国家而团结奋斗”. Punchy, but accessible.

To save you having to look at some daft word cloud or something, let me parse the F out of my report.

I basically ditched Hu’s weak-ass fav word “harmony,”scrubbed out my “Chinese Dream,” ‘cos obvs we don’t need dreamers anymore and instead repeated the F out of the word “security” about a 1000 times.

Interestingly, if you’re a total China-nerd, I also cut a line we’ve been saying for 20 years about ‘favourable strategic global environment.’

That’s gone.

It ain’t favourable anymore – unless war, plague and depression are your catnip. But also mainly because we’ve stopped being nice and in that regard, as Susan Shirk (Xi below) says in her dumb new book, we’ve “over-reached” with the neighbours (Aussie included) by saying what we really feel. Susan says that’s made everyone else over-react. Trumpy but Uncle Joe too. He’s umming and ahhing like an indignant old man. He’s also sanctioning TF out of a lot of things like semi-conductors which causes short term pain until, being forced to stand on our own, we eventually eclipse TF out of everyone else. The point being, now it’s just me, I don’t need to be strategic anymore. I just be me, Xi JP: free by the sea, (or under a tree) felling glee with a cup of tea (no Li, that’s also key) I can cap a knee (without pity), knit a tee or twenty cos I have term 3 the first of many.

And the winner is: Loyalty to XJP

The Communist Youth League clique (think the Boy Scouts on steroids) and communist zeal has been eradicated. I ditched the last of that lot this weekend when Hu Chunhua (no relation to ‘Who’)  got his ass ideologically dragged outside and ditched on the street. The last of a long line.

Instead, I went with Shanghai party boss Li Qiang; he’ll be taking the very soon to be poisoned chalice Second-In-Command, Number 2 position in the Standing Committee. You can think of that job less as Premier and more as Official First Shock Absorber – Li (not relation to Li) is already tainted with the stink of implementing the insane zero-COVID Lockup in Shangers which made end-March, April and May a total bucket of unpopularity inspired by ass-kissing. As Tony Saich, a Chinese politics running Harvard University dog at the insultingly named Kennedy School of Government told NPR over the weekend:

“If Li Qiang does become premier, which looks now certain, it clearly means that loyalty is more important than performance.”

You can expect a lot of that. Less discussion, more trying to impress me with unflinching loyalty and some wild-ass yessing.

China hate: Shirking responsibility

Susan Shirk – ex-deputy assistant secretary of state for East Asia-Pacific for the US (who even I have to grudgingly respect because she’s such a total China-fiend) – told Kaiser Kuo in the latest, but always excellent Sinica Podcast  about how Hu’s years of plenty set the stage for me to swoop in and accumulate individual power and “created conditions for overreach.”

This is Susan, talking up her latest book wherein she’s pretty much the only China watcher explaining exactly where we are on the death spiral that is great power bilateral relations. I’ll summarise so you don’t fall into her capitalist purposes of contributing to individual profit:

  1. Me and the boys got cocky, over-reached
  2. Then the Americans (and you guys, and your mates and your media ) over-reacted
  3. You’ve been busy over-reacting since
  4. It’s made me look great

So I’ve been busy centralising everything.

Our incredible homegrown tech giants: Alibaba, Tencent at al – neutered in a few months. “Disorderly capital,” I called it and sucked the too-clever-by-half out of all those Western-style businessmen. For a tech genius and entrepreneur, that Jack Ma was pretty dumb. Thanks for the decade of stunning, historic technological and commercial development ack, but honestly, sticking your opinions where they don’t belong (public) was a fool’s errand. The only way this economy is growing is back to the basic, party-reliant state-run model.

In a few bleak years I’ve dismantled civil society. Blacklisted anything foreign. I took enormous pleasure in finally disgracing those ride bastards at the international NGOs who come into our house and sh.t in our bedrooms. I promise no human rights lawyers will be stinking up the place anymore.

Hu, the idiot, started letting people believe in other-worldly saviours – Buddhism, Christianity, pop-stars or models. Go take a look round the Western bits of Xinjiang (oops, you can’t) let me just say you won’t be hanging out in any one of the hundreds of mosques I’ve dismantled and you won’t come across any of the ethnic Uyghurs we’ve locked-up, humiliated and re-educated. You won’t even get to admire the technocratic surveillance system which is no longer the future – but thanks to COVID-19 – is now the reality across all of urban China.

That’s a good one. But killing the first roots of investigative journalism, ridding us of the noxious Western media outlets and reminding state media that they don’t just serve the state, but must “serve the party,” as a priority made the absolute pleasure of strangling outward-looking Hong Kong and replacing it in six months with my unique brand of high-tech state-surveillance such a piece of cake.

I’ve modernised and centralised control  of a psyched-up, insanely nationalist People’s Liberation Army (PLA), and sent them off with stupidly bellicose diplomats and made our territorials claims over Taiwan, the South China Sea, Tasmania and the Himalayan borders impossible to deny without bloodletting.

Best of all I’ve made the Western world order look outdated and foolish. Got no real love for Russian President Vlad P but he’s “my best, most intimate friend,” and my boy for as long as he drains your will.

We closed the show last night with this. It sounds like it’s all about me, but it’s really all about you.

The Congress calls on the whole Party, the entire military, and the Chinese people of all ethnic groups to stay closely rallied around the Party Central Committee with Comrade Xi Jinping at its core, to keep in mind that empty talk will do nothing for our country and only solid work will make it flourish, to maintain firm confidence, unite as one, and forge ahead with resolve, and to strive in unity to build a modern socialist country in all respects and advance national rejuvenation on all fronts.